~~What My Cat Has Learned by anon.~~
-- I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth,
especially when my human's grandmother is over.
-- I will not hide behind the commode so that I can pat the human on the
backside when he sits down just to make him levitate
-- I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my
humans' finished a horror movie.
-- I will not sit on the end of the bed staring at my human while he and my
human are making whoopee. I will not become upset if my human then throws
a duvet over me in order to get some privacy.
-- I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his shoes off,
freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my private parts to compare
odors. My female human might find it amusing, but my male human does not
appreciate it, especially in front of company.
-- I will not fling my furry little kitten-body at the shower curtain, hook
my claws into its plastic surface, and slide down the curtain, tearing it
in half like a miniature Errol Flynn, and do it again as soon as I hit the
ground, turning my human's $40 designer shower curtain into vertical
blinds. I will not do the exact same thing with the next three shower
curtains, forcing my human to decorate in Early Poverty with curtains from
the dollar store.
-- I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl
at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
-- I will not fish out my human's dentures from the glass so that the dog can
"wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake
up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)
-- I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the
night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my
human can admire my "kill."
-- I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws extended. It
seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.
-- I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare
into her eyes until she wakes up.
-- I will not pick the hours between 1 and 4 a.m. to do 'thundering paws with
auto-reverses' throughout a small apartment with hardwood floors.
Furthermore, I, and my buddy, will not use the daybed with our human in it
for the spot to do the 'turn and burn' on that end of the run. She does
not appreciate 30 pounds of cat every few minutes.
-- My human is not dead if she is not awake at 7:00 a.m. It is not necessary
for me to park my concerned 28 pound frame on her stomach and check for
breathing.
-- We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
Plains of the Serengeti over my humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
-- When my human shuts me out of the bedroom at night, I will not reach my
paw under the door at 4 a.m. and twang the door-stopper until she comes
out and pays attention to me. This goes double when she has another human
in there with her.
-- Fast as I am, I cannot run through closed doors. I will not assume the
patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
-- I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my butt.
-- If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
-- While crossing the street, I will not stop in the middle and wait for
on-coming cars to get out of MY way. This can be a self-limiting activity.
-- Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try
to open it up to get the birds out.
-- The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move
out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That
does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit
there and laugh.
-- I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring
in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
-- When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to
catch them.
-- I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room
floor trying to do sit ups.
-- Computer and TV screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail. I am a
walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new
board in her computer.
-- I will not knock something down (that I shouldn't have been fooling with
anyway), scare myself and then jump onto my human's keyboard while he is
entering a search on the Internet. He wasn't looking for a Web site called
"www.asdfpjm.hjk"
-- I will not jump onto my human's computer while he's working on it and
short out a 25 amp fuse with my rabies tag.
-- Any creature that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the house and any
wild creature (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set
the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
-- I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp
hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
-- The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its
bowl.
-- The hamster is not my friend, and will attack and bite my nose (or
anything else I put near his cage). That is why his name is Killer.
-- I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
-- I promise I will meditate more closely upon the causal relationship
between going dumpster diving on Sunday afternoon and projectile vomiting
Monday, and being brought to the Evil Place Where They Stick Things Up My
Butt on Tuesday evening. I realize that if I hadn't done the first, none
of the other things would have happened.
-- I will not voluntarily give my vet a urine or stool sample unless he
requests it.
-- I will not bat at my male human's family jewels while he is engaged in the
act of mating with my female human, no matter how tempting the danglies
are. My humans get mad and I might get free flying lessons.
